Darkness rising
by sez101
Summary: Its been a rough few months, slowly they had watched her die without even knowing. Will JJ make it? Will anyone care? please r/v
1. Chapter 1

This was it, JJ thought as she counted the pills, the end. It was time, today was a good day to die. Sunny outside with a slight easterly wind no chance of rain a beautiful morning, a good choice for it to be her last.

She had fought for so long to avoid getting to this place but had found barriers at every avenue, every source of help had been cut off and she wasn't strong enough to face it alone. Having made the decision to end it all she felt calmer, at peace. This was the right thing to do it had to be or it wouldn't feel so right. Her whole weekend had been spent trying to make things easier for people once she had gone.

Friday night she had arrived home from work with several boxes and had begun packing all of her belongings into them. Next separating the boxes into piles and labelling who should have each box. Most went to goodwill with the rest split across Henry and the team. By the time she had finished it was Saturday afternoon. It was time to get things moving, she had to finish in good time, to give herself plenty of time to die before someone came looking for her on Monday morning. Its like everyone had watched her die months earlier, but nobody had been brave enough to stop it the slow decline towards death.

Picking up her pen it was time to write her note to Henry to try and explain why he was growing up motherless. It was hard to believe just 18 months previously her life had been perfect. Her dream job, caring husband, perfect son and a supportive loving team that she counted as family but one by one they had been taken away leaving her empty, hopeless and alone.

It had all started with repeated job offers from the Pentagon who didn't want to except no for an answer. They had asked twice before going to her bosses boss to get the transfer. Left choice-less she had transferred the next day. Despite the reassurances JJ knew this wasn't going to be a regular job, nobody was that desperate for a press liaison. Her first month was regular hours, 9-5 but not as the press secretary she had thought she was going to be, instead was rigorous profiler training. She had been recruited into a top secret mission to profile terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only bonus was spending more times with her boys. Through all the dark days they had been the only thing that had kept her going.

She had flown to Afghanistan initially so innocent, unaware of the heavy burden that had been placed on her. The death of the seal team, Nadia and her daughter woke her up to the dangers she faced. She was still reeling from there deaths when she had received a phone call. Emily needed her!

After a whirlwind 48 hours Emily was 'dead'. JJ felt awful about lying to her team, it was the only way. Even Hotch didn't know the whole truth, but Doyle's men was watching the team, they had photographs of all them being watched. They had to grieve. For the first week Reid came over every night crying on her shoulder, Garcia didn't wear any pink. JJ knew why she had destroyed her team. The guilt weighed heavy on it, which luckily the team mistook for grief.

Will was supportive, but it was clear it was placing severe strain on their relationship. After all her 9-5 job had turned into her being away more than she ever was with the BAU. Now Spencer was over every day meaning no family time and any spare time she did have was spent locked in the office planning Emily's new life, so she had barely any time to see or spend time with him or Henry. Before she could make it up to them she had been drafted to escort Emily to Paris and then fly out from there to Afghanistan. The weight of the girl and the mother still weighed on her heavy heart she had promised Nadia she would get her daughter instead she had gotten them both killed. It was something that had been bothering her for a while. There was no way her carefully planned mission should have failed.

Spending 8 hours on a plane with Emily helped, she now knew there was a mole on her team it was the only thing that made sense. Emily was right she had learnt behaviour from the best.

Those days seemed so long ago now just sitting with Emily talking about everything and nothing. Even though Emily was back now it had all changed. JJ began writing her note to Emily trying to explain, trying to alleviate any blame her friend might feel. The fact she had died was a necessary evil, if she had not lied to anyone she had not deceived her friends she was almost positive Doyle would have taken another member of their team to get Emily to talk but maybe there had been another away. Spencer had been right she should have trusted them enough not to lie.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Leaving Emily alone in Paris had been hard but on returning to Afghanistan things had only gotten worst. One thing Hastings had been right about was it had changed her, permanently. Firstly she'd had the massive high of finding out she was pregnant. But before she could celebrate or tell Will she'd had to sort out a bigger problem.

They had the mole, using the operation she had put in place but like her first mission it had come at a high price. They were ambush, Hastings was dead, Askari had turned she had left the safety of her Jeep to save Matt and the cost was her baby.

She felt empty, barren she had failed as a mother in the worst way possible. She was meant to keep her baby safe but she couldn't even do that. Her little girl had been shot and spread across the dessert in a trail of blood. A part of her wondered if it was Karma for all the innocent life's she had taken while in Afghanistan. She spent a 2 days in the hospital in Afghanistan before being flown to Bethesda. Nobody could know she was there. The same hospital that had hid Emily now hid her. After a week recovering she was released a taxi taking her home. Will greeted her at the door they hugged JJ pushing him away. She couldn't tell him anything it was classified and he would never know that she had failed him. Henry was also waiting for her. It was painful looking at him while still mourning the loss of his sibling. She felt empty, dead inside.

Before they could speak honestly and together Reid was over again proceeding to spend the next few days on their sofa. Together they mourned Reid for a friend JJ for her baby.

They gave her a whole week off. JJ explained to Will she had been in a car accident. It was clear he didn't believe her but what else could she say. Will automatically put her strange behaviour down to Emily's death. It was hard loosing a friend. He tried to talk to her but it was hard when Reid came over almost every night. It followed the same routine. She'd pick Henry up from school, help him with his homework and spellings, then Will would come home they'd eat tea together before Reid came over crying. Will would take Henry to bed while JJ comforted Reid. It put extra strain on the relationship, Will knew JJ was keeping something secret, he knew she was mourning her friend, he knew Reid was too but as a cop he knew her injuries weren't from a car accident, and not having any private time with his wife for over 4 weeks was taking its toll. Even worst he noticed JJ pulling away from Henry. When Reid finally left late at night JJ would stay on the sofa and chat to someone online. She would only come to bed when she was positive everyone was asleep. If he didn't know better he would have thought she was having an affair! He gave her another month to get herself together before he had a serious talk to her.

With the week over it was time for JJ to head back. This time it was only Matt that met her the camp seemed emptier but without the spy they began to get things done. The names began rolling in, locations too. JJ soon discovered the wives knew more than anyone gave them. Like she had expected with Nadia if you gave them their children and the promise of safety they would tell you everything they knew. It was harrowing, the stories the wives told, the beatings they had endured. The struggles and the sacrifices they had made to the Al-Qaeda husbands. With her successes with the woman she was asked to also interview the men. Sitting opposite the most hardened men who wanted nothing more than to kill her and her whole family. 2 weeks of 16 hour days speaking to probably the most evil men on the planet drained her emotionally. Not even her daily Skype chats home or scrabble games with Emily lifted her mood. She felt a failure, and after all day of putting on a thick mask pretending she was fine. She knew she was pulling away from them but she was just so tired.

After 2 weeks she finally had a weekend off to fly home. They had some real strong leads. Arriving home Will and Henry were waiting.

"Momma" Henry cried throwing himself into her arms. JJ allowed herself to hug him for a while before letting him go.

"Chere." Will greeted watching her closely. JJ smiled wiping away tears. Why she felt so emotional she didn't know.

"I miss you" she explained. She hugged him tightly letting him go and heading upstairs. Despite her missing them deeply she spent the weekend avoiding them. She knew they'd have more fun without her. It was like a black shadow was following her around draining all her energy, she felt really tired and achy maybe she was coming down with something. After a long week at home spent generally trying to avoid Will and Henry so not to bother them with this low mood and crying with Reid it was a heavy heart JJ flew back to Afghanistan.

It was time JJ thought as she finished her letter to Emily, to start the letter to Will. She had to explain about the baby, explain she always loved him, tell him to look after Henry and beg for forgiveness.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After an exhausting flight home all JJ wanted to do was collapse. But arriving at home Will was waiting.

"JJ chere we need to talk" he said as soon as she came through the door. JJ noticed Henry wasn't home, "he is at Ben's house at a sleep over" Will explained.

"What do we need to talk about?" JJ questioned on edge as she dropped her go bag. Will sat down on the 2 seater clearly expecting her to join him but she couldn't instead choosing to perch on the footstool.

"This JJ since your new job you can barely stand to be in the same room as me, you can't even look at me. I love you so much JJ, but we haven't spent one moment alone in over 2 months. You barely even see Henry any more I think that was the final straw. My baby boy asking me why his momma was so sad, why she didn't tuck him in any more." Will as crying now, as was JJ, "We both love you so much but even when your here your never really here" He explained

JJ sat quietly sobbing into her hands. He was right, she was a bad wife, and a terrible mother. If she couldn't keep one baby safe how could she keep the other safe. How could she be a good wife when some of the most fearsome terrorists in the world wanted to kill her. There was only one way to keep them safe, they had to leave.

"I love you too" JJ whispered, "But its not enough is it?" she questioned,

"I just want you to be happy JJ. I know you lost Emily. I understand this new job is making you travel more than you thought but even when your home your never here. Reid is over or your chatting with someone on your phone. It makes a guy wonder" Will rubbed his forehead wondering if he should even say what was on his mind.

"Wonder what Will?" JJ asked angry now she stood up. Frustrated, if she could tell him what was going on he would understand she knew he would but she couldn't.

"Are you seeing someone else JJ?" he questioned the pain evident in his voice. He was crying now and not for the first time. JJ regretted the pain she was causing them but was trapped.

"No, I would never cheat" she began before realising she really was. Not with another person but with her job and the secrets she was being forced to keep.

"I know that but your not acting like you" Will explained, there was silent as both parties tried to figure out how to communicate.

"I know" JJ admitted, "And I don't know how to fix it, I love you Will but I just don't think its enough. Its not fair to you or to Henry" JJ confessed.

"What are you saying?" Will asked fearfully.

"I don't know" JJ sobbed accepting his embrace. "I love you both I need to protect you" she cried. He guided her over to the sofa where she lay crying until she fell asleep. Will sat gently stroking her hair long into the night worrying about the woman he loved. There was something going on he just needed to find out what it was.

The next morning JJ was up first with a burst of energy skipping breakfast to go for a run. When she came back Henry was home and Will was cooking breakfast for them.

"Momma" Henry ran up jumping into her arms.

"Hello little star" JJ greeted.

"We made pancakes for you" Henry said bouncing in her arms to go down.

"Sounds great baby"

"Me no baby momma, be a big boy now" Henry declared proudly stomping his feet. JJ laughed but inside felt guilty. He was right he wasn't her baby. Her baby was dead. A wave of grief hit her, it was like something had taken over her, a sob escaped.

"Momma sad" Henry pointed out. Will came up behind him.

"I miss Auntie Emily" she lied. Both Will and Henry hugged her tightly before Henry ran upstairs grabbing one of his favourite teddies giving it to her.

"Momma, no more nightmares" Henry said. JJ took the teddies holding it close to her chest cherishing the comfort it gave her.

…..

She put the pen down, wiping away tears. The teddy sat next to her, what could words say to comfort Will when she was gone. Probably as much as the teddy could, nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Will had tentatively suggested a therapist but JJ blew him off. Most of the things troubling her were classified, or secret. They had argued ending up with JJ crying and Will and Henry going out for ice cream. The house had a frosty atmosphere since with JJ choosing to sleep in the spare room.

With her weekend a disaster it was almost a relief to be going back to Afghanistan. Matt and Strauss met her on base. Neither said it but both had become very concerned about the young profiler. As senior agents they had taken parental roles so to see JJ become paler, thinner and more lifeless each and every time they met worried them. This time was extreme it was like the sunshine had been sucked out of her.

It was agreed privately they had to get JJ transferred out of there. It was time to call an old friend David Rossi.

…...

JJ sat at the desk, her letters piling up as she began her letter to the man who had gotten her out of Afghanistan. She should have been grateful but it had created a whole new set of problems. Acting fine in front of people not trained in behaviour was one thing doing it in front of profilers. From the day she arrived back it had been lie after lie. Starting with the profile training, then to the weight loss and the fact there had been obvious strain in the LaMontague family at the welcome back barbecue. 2 months of lies. David Rossi was her rock. He understood martial difficulties not that she had admitted it and had the advantage of knowing Strauss was concerned about her. He gave her the space she needed and she began pairing herself up with him whenever she could. He offered the quiet support she needed.

Morgan on the other hand had been her physical trainer. He'd seen her struggling and offered to let her beat the crap out of things until she felt better. It had worked slightly in venting her anger. She needed space to vent her rage that was safe and not aimed at anyone she loved the boxing gloves did just that. Morgan understood her need for anger he didn't understand what it was aimed at but he let her own it.

Reid offered mindless information, she sat next to him on the flights. He would read out loud or reel off statistics until she fell asleep. He understood the pain of her loss. He like the rest of the team had profiled it as JJ struggling to cope with the death of another sister. He began inviting her out for weekends, and was pleasantly surprised when she accepted.

Garcia was her angel. She brought bagels, muffins and coffee to her every day, she reminded her to eat and would gossip endlessly about anything she could think of over coffee breaks. It kept her mind off the job during the long days.

Strauss was her guardian, not saying anything most the time or even being there but late at night she would order her home, every single night she would silently walk the younger agent to her car.

Hotch was her protector. He paired her up with Rossi, made sure she ate properly and took proper breaks. He knew the Emily lie was tearing her apart it was him.

JJ wrote letters to them all. She had been getting better, getting through the dark days. 2 months at the BAU and things were almost normal.

Then Emily had returned. Doyle was dead and Emily had come back from the dead. She had revealed her lie to the whole team. Unsurprisingly they had all taken it badly Garcia had actually slapped her. There had been a lot of shouting at her. Emily and Hotch had tried to defend her but to no avail.

She had returned home empty. Will had tried to talk to her but she had shut him own telling him she had lied and Emily was alive. He had been hurt, but Henry had been worse. She had left after the small boy refused to talk to her or even see her. Will had begged her to stay. Begged her not to leave and she desperately wanted to but couldn't. They were the only perfect thing in her life and she had to leave to make sure they stayed that way. It had easily been the worst day in her life and it hadn't got any better.

Morgan, Reid and Garcia still weren't talking to her, Rossi seemed distant and Hotch and Emily were to busy trying to repair their own relationships with the team to worry about her. 2 weeks had passed since that day and it was like being invisible in the BAU. She walked into the BAU silently sat at her desk did her work and watched the team laugh and joke around her. If she tried to join in the joke was over and they would go back to work. She had logged onto online scrabble nightly but found their game empty Emily having moved on. She just hoped the apologies in her notes healed the hurt her words just couldn't.

She spoke to Will on the phone and Henry occasionally. The small boy still confused but not angry. He asked every time when she was coming home JJ always lied. She couldn't ruin his life is she wasn't there.

The notes were finished now and neatly folded and labelled on the side of her one bedded rented flat. It was time to shower and change, she'd picked the outfit she was going to wear, her favourite jeans with a blue top that made her eyes look perfectly blue. She had picked it out on a shopping trip with Garcia the year before. Drying her hair she looked around again. It was 1300 on Sunday she needed to start.

She now began taking the tablets she had saved her pain meds from when she was shot with her sleeping pills prescribed by the psychologist she had seen once.

One pill for Nadia, another for her daughter, one of each of the 8 member seal team who had died, one for each time she had failed Henry and failed Will. One for Rosslyn and her parents. One for every lie she made even though she didn't remember them all. With the bottles nearly empty she took the last 6 tablets for the team, Rossi, Reid, Hotch, Morgan, Emily and Strauss.

The tablets were working combined with the vodka. She lay down on the bed staring a the photograph from the last team outing, before she had been made to leave. Everything had been perfect then, it was the last time she could remember being happy. Her arm became heavier, she dropped the photo unable to hold it up any longer. She could feel her life slipping away. Her stomach rumbled revolting at the intrusion of so many toxic chemicals. She vomited but hoped the damage was done. Her last thought was of hope, hope that she would never wake up.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It was early Monday morning and as usual Aaron Hotchner was the first one into work. He sat at his desk ignoring the pile of paperwork instead brooding on the state of the team. He had given it 2 weeks now and still there was an obvious split in the team JJ and everyone else. It was time to start intervening he'd been worried about JJ before Emily had returned now he was downright concerned. Rossi was in next, Hotch used that as a bonus meeting him in his office.

"Hotch good weekend?" Rossi greeted

"Yeah,"

"What's on your mind?" Rossi enquired the seasoned profiler not fooled for a moment Hotch literally never followed him into his office.

"JJ, this not talking to her has got to stop" Hotch warned

"I know, I spoke to Erin. JJ had to lie I get that now I'm waiting for her to come in and I'll talk with her" Rossi explained. Hotch sighed in relief. That was 4 in JJ's corner assuming Strauss talking to Rossi meant she was on JJ's side.

"Where is she anyway? She is normally here by now" Rossi commented looking out over the bullpen. Emily and Reid where making coffee whilst Morgan was chatting up and interm. Alarm bells were ringing for Hotch but he forced himself to keep calm it was 9am. JJ was always in by now.

"I'll ring her" Hotch decided flicking his phone over. It rang and rang over and over again but there was no answer. The alarm bells were wailing.

"I'll ring Will, maybe Henry is ill" Hotch said out loud. The phone rang again

"Hotch everything ok?" Will answered the phone panicked. JJ's boss had only ever rung him once to announce that his baby was being born.

"JJ hasn't turned up to work is she home with you?" there was a pause.

"JJ doesn't live here any more" Will replied over the phone.

"What!" Hotch yelled surprised it caught not only Rossi's attention but that of the agents in the bull pen. "Since when?" he questioned

"At least 2 weeks," Will admitted "She didn't tell you guys?"

"No, we need to find her do you know where she lives now?" Hotch questioned

"Yeah she is staying with Garcia" Will revealed. Hotch hung up doubting that fact. Garcia was to angry with JJ currently to let her stay.

"What?" Rossi questioned worriedly awaiting information

"JJ and Will have separated, he thinks she is staying at Garcia's" Hotch filled him in walking to Garcia's lair.

"Garcia" Hotch called as he entered the room. "JJ is missing I need you to search for properties" he summed up. Garcia to her credit only took a few seconds before typing madly away.

"Why isn't she living with Will?" Garcia asked as she searched records.

"We don't know, Will thought she was staying with you" Hotch revealed not able to keep the panic from his voice.

"She isn't, so she isn't just lying to us" Garcia spat. Hotch remained silent exchanging a look with Rossi. They both knew this wasn't healthy JJ's behaviour was raising serious red flags.

"She has been paying rent on a one bed flat here" Garcia offered. "I've sent the address to your phones"

"Lets go" Hotch ordered Rossi followed. Despite Hotch telling Garcia JJ was missing she just couldn't bring herself to follow them scared of what she would find. Instead Garcia walked down to the bullpen. Morgan noticed her first.

"What did Hotch want Baby girl?" he asked Emily and Reid listening in.

"JJ is missing" Garcia revealed,

"What" Emily cried, "Since when?" She began pacing,

"Since she didn't come in this morning. She also lied to us again" Garcia spat remembering she was angry at her.

"When?" Reid asked still fuming

"She separated from Will and moved out of the family home"

"When?" Emily asked concerned something wasn't adding up.

"Dunno" Garcia shrugged.

"We need to find out" Emily counted

"They were together after you died I went over almost every night" Reid revealed. "At least when JJ was home she went away quite a bit"

"I thought the new job was meant to give her regular hours" Morgan joined in curious. All 3 looked pleadingly at Garcia.

"Fine" she consented. They followed her to her lair.

"What shall I search?" Garcia asked sitting at her computer.

"When did JJ leave Will?" Reid asked genuinely puzzled, Garcia's hands flew over the keyboard

"2 weeks ago" Garcia revealed.

"Where has she been living since then?" Morgan asked horrified she hadn't come to them for help.

"In a one bed flat down town" Garcia already knew that one.

"What was she doing for the state department?" Emily asked, they all looked at her curiously "I watched a lot of CNN and saw you guys give profiles but never saw JJ on the news for someone dealing with the press..." she trailed off.

Garcia searched but her computer came up with no results

"Her assignment was a backstop" Morgan concluded.

"For what though?" Emily asked the question they were all thinking. She decided she needed to address the elephant in the room. "Look guys I know your all still annoyed with JJ and I get it she lied to you but I have one question for you. If you had to lie to your team mates to save the life of a friend would you?" Emily questioned.

"I'd lie for you in a heart beat princess." Morgan replied realising that JJ had only done what he would have done in the same circumstances.

"I'm mostly only good at online deception but your right" Garcia acknowledged.

"I cried on her sofa for 10 weeks" Reid mumbled. "she cried with me, why was she crying she didn't lose anyone"

"Reid" Morgan tried his anger towards JJ gone.

"No your not understanding, why was she crying, we mourned together," Reid explained. Before they could profile any further Emilys' phone rang it was Hotch. They had found JJ.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Hotch had driven to JJ's flat at speeds that frankly scared Rossi wisely he had decided not to say anything as they rode in silence.

Arriving outside the address Hotch barely parked the car before he was flying up the pavement Dave hot on his heels. Flat 7 Hotch searched the first floor until he got to her number.

"JJ" he hammered on the door as Dave finally caught up. "JJ open up" He hammered again so hard the door almost folded. Rossi knew the next step

"Wish we'd brought Morgan" he muttered as he got into position to break the door down. Together they used there shoulders the door fell flat, they ran inside noted the amount of boxes neatly stacked and labelled. It only served to confirm what their guts had been telling them. Hotch was first to reach the bedroom. There in the middle of the bed covered in her own vomit was JJ. She looked dreadful, pale, her eyes open staring into space. Slowly Hotch approached his hands shaking he reached for her neck feeling for a pulse. A slight flicker caught his attention

"Get an ambulance" he bellowed to Dave. She was alive! He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Her breathing was extremely shallow and she was totally out of it. In her vomit were undigested tablets, 3 empty bottles sat nearby and a half drunk bottle of vodka.

He could hear Dave on the phone ordering the ambulance.

"Count her breaths" he ordered "Start now" Hotch placed a hand on her chest another resting gently centimetres from her mouth.

"One" he counted, it went on for a minute "four"

"You got to breath for her wipe away the vomit put your mouth on her and pinch her nose. Breath for her in between her natural breaths" Rossi instructed. Only his years in the FBI teaching him to be cool under pressure allowed Hotch to do that straight away. Emotions could come later.

"Has she still got a pulse?" Rossi asked after what seemed like forever. Hotch felt again

"Just" they could hear sirens racing towards them.

"Keep going" Rossi encouraged. She still had the blue tinge to her lips and finger tips but looked better than when they arrived.

They heard footsteps thunder down the corridor 2 EMT's ran in.

"Excuse me Sir" one said pushing Hotch out of the way, using a mask he began ventilating her. The other pressed them for details as he got IV access. After 30 minutes on scene stabilising her they finally had her good to be moved.

"You need to follow" they instructed the causality was critical they needed all the space in the back of the truck that they could grab.

"Aaron she wrote letters" Dave pointed at the dresser. Hotch wordlessly grabbed them placing them in his pocket.

"I need to call Will get him to meet us as Bethesda"

"I'll call Will you call the team" he offered. Hotch grabbed his cell calling Emily, out of the team she would be sympathetic.

"Hotch what's going on is JJ ok?" Emily asked cutting straight to the point.

"She tried to kill herself" Hotch coughed out still in shock, more so now the immediate adrenaline was wearing off.

"What?" Emily screeched "How, why? Where is she now?"" the questions came thick and fast. The rest of the team were listening in.

"Sleeping tablets, she wrote letters were following her to Bethesda now" Hotch explained as briefly as he could. "I'm on my way" Emily replied as Hotch hung up.

"What's wrong?" Garcia voiced the question they had all been wondering.

"It's JJ, she tried to kill herself" Emily was crying now. Garcia joined her in tears as Reid and Morgan sat in shock

"Is she, is she ok?" Morgan asked

"She is on her way to Bethesda" Emily said

"Well lets go" Morgan replied impatiently. He waited while Garcia and Emily grabbed there handbags. Reid just stood there

"Pretty boy you coming?" Morgan asked, Reid didn't move

"Reid" he yelled bringing Reid back from wherever his mind had wondered

"Why would she kill herself?" he asked,

"Does it matter?" Emily bellowed. "Are you coming or not?" she posed the question without waiting she left Reid would either come or he wouldn't right now it wasn't the priority. Morgan and Garica were on her heels Morgan grabbing the car keys. They climbed in Reid joined them silently as they all regretted their recent behaviour. For the last 2 weeks JJ had been like typhoid Mary, conversations had stopped when she had come near, rooms had been vacated. If she was feeling low before it was possible their actions had tipped her over the edge.

They arrived at the hospital parking next to the other FBI SUV. They were entering a building when a little voice calling 'Pence' stopped them. It was Will and Henry who had also just arrived.

"Any news" Will asked them

"We just got here," Emily replied taking Henry off Will, since her death she hadn't seen him.

"Henry you have grown so much"

"Emmy" Henry babbled. Emily began talking to Henry too catching up on bits that the toddler wanted to say.

Inside the hospital they found Hotch and Rossi sitting on plastic chairs.

"What happened?" Will asked worriedly. On seeing their team both men stood up. It didn't take a profiler to notice Hotch had tears in his eyes.

"JJ didn't come into work this morning, we went to her flat. She had taken an overdose" Rossi recounted.

"She was still breathing, but I had to help" Hotch's voice broke "She wasn't breathing enough so I had to help" He repeated clearing things up.

"The Doctors are working on her now" Rossi added "They said it could be up to an hour for news" He sat down on the chair, slumming his head in his hands. "She wrote us notes" he revealed reaching into his suit pocket.

"Should we read them?" Morgan questioned, they all glared at him "When she wakes up we can talk to her about what was going on make sure it never happens again" he defended.

"I want to read mine" Will decided taking it off Rossi. He sat a little away from the group,

_Will_

_I love you so much I'm just not strong enough to hang on. There use to be times I thought I was okay or at least one day I would be ok. Those times were when I was with you and Henry but the black cloud has over taken that. Not one moment of one day do I feel ok. I feel so tired. I never told you but I was pregnant at the time of my accident. I couldn't protect our baby and it died. Its why Henry will be better off without me. Its why I am setting you free. If I can't protect our baby when I am carrying it how can I protect my family from the horrors that are out there. I love you so much Will. You are the one thing that kept me going so long. My love for you and Henry will never die._

_Don't be sad this is what I want_

_Your Cher_

_Jennifer_

Will let out a loud sob. Folding out of the chair onto the floor. Garcia reached him first enveloping him into a hug as Emily took Henry out of earshot for a while.

"She was pregnant when she had the accident" Will sobbed. "My baby died" he wailed. Garcia comforted him "She was carrying the burden all alone and didn't think she could tell me" he cried

"Actually she couldn't" a voice interrupted, "It was classified" the whole group turned around to see Strauss standing there. Hotch started to explain why the BAU was there but she put her hand up silencing him

"Enough, I'm here because like you I care for Agent Jareua"

"What do you mean classified?" Rossi asked

"I can't tell you, but I can say she was ordered to not tell anyone from above" Strauss revealed cryptically.

"Erin we need to know" Rossi begged. The rest of the team remained silent knowing if any could get the information out of her it was David.

"Dave I can't its above need to know, its Presidential approval" Strauss sighed. If she told anyone it was tantamount to treason. The team hated it but understood the fact she had revealed this much at a great risk. Will had collected himself a little more now and with Garcia had rejoined the team.

"Hotch" Dave suggested giving him his letter.

_Aaron_

_Thank you for being the brave boss I can look up too. The selfless, brave leader we need. I'm sorry that I let you down, I let the team down. Please don't blame yourself. I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time. Just spend the time you have with Jack he is one special kid. I love you Aaron, you were like the father figure I missed growing up. Don't blame yourself for not spotting the signs. I spent most my energy avoiding you and pretending I was find. I'm just to exhausted to pretend any longer._

_I guess this time the monsters won._

_JJ_

Hotch read it openly crying now. For the team watching their boss cry was both awkward and heartbreaking.

"She feels like she let me down" he commented dejectedly. Rossi offered comfort sitting next to him slinging a brotherly arm around his shoulder. "But she didn't" he whispered.

"Tell her that when she wakes up" Rossi suggested. He took a deep breath reaching for his own letter. It felt thicker than the rest.

_Rossi_

_Thank you for inspiring me, thank you for encouraging me to push myself without you I would have never got this far in life. I would never be the person I am today or at least was. Keep writing, keep inspiring. Never stop believing or fighting. Never stop being the person the team looks to for advice. I'm just sorry I disappointed you and the team. I won't apologise for hiding Emily's disappearance I had to Doyle was watching everyone. I have the rest of the photos in a safe in my old office just in case. It should have stopped now, but Rossi I need you to make sure. I can't let any of our family get hurt. Please protect them Dave, _

_Please forgive me_

_JJ_

He reached into the envelope again pulling out surveillance pictures of various members of the team each with one of Doyle's men circled. He was alarmed to find out that 2 men had apparently been following him and he hadn't got a clue.

"We were followed after Emily died" he revealed showing them the photos.

"Wait why is JJ at the airport" Reid asked

"She was flying me to the safe house" Emily recalled remembering being smuggled onto the flight. "We spent the whole flight catching up," she furrowed her brow as she remembered her last proper conversation with JJ.

"She was worried about a mole in her organisation"

"The media department of the Pentagon." Hotch was sceptical over the scenario as was the rest of the team.

"When JJ Skyped home she was always in dessert cameo" Will mentioned. The team was quiet, until Reid spoke

"Afghanistan" he guessed.

"Why would they need a media liaison there?" Will asked naïvely

"They wouldn't but they would need a profiler" Hotch fitted the gaps together, creating a picture of what had happened.

"You mean?" Rossi had heard of the mission too

"The group of elite agents sent to profile terrorists" Hotch confirmed. Strauss who had sat quietly stood up,

"Of course this is all subjection, none of this is proven" she replied basically confirming there suspicions. It just added up to the bleak picture JJ must have felt before trying to kill herself.

"Right" Emily agreed knowing personally how important plausible denialbility was. She was still blaming herself, it was the Doyle situation that had sent her over the edge she was sure of it. "Can I have my letter" she asked nervously, Rossi handed it over.

_Emily,_

_Don't blame yourself, don't blame Doyle you are the reason I hung on so long. I had to make sure you got back to the family. I love you so much I consider you a sister. Those scrabble games kept me going on some of my darkest nights. Please look out for Henry, make sure Will stays safe. Get him to remember me before the undercover work not the monster I became after. I tried to fight her, but how do you fight yourself. How do you fight the person you've become the person you have had to be to survive. Please forgive me Emily I'm not as strong as you_

_JJ_

Emily fought back a sob as she remembered her time with Doyle undercover. The man had been evil but she had loved him and had her team. She could imagine being on a mission alone with several evil men and no support would be harder. She found she couldn't blame JJ how could she after all she had thought the same thing several times before joining the BAU.

"She doesn't blame me" Emily revealed, it helped but it didn't mean she didn't blame herself.

"I bet she blames me" Garcia spoke for the first time in a while having returned with a sleeping Henry. Rossi wordlessly passed her the letter.

_Penelope_

_I'm so sorry to do this, I know with our job the last thing you want is to see any of us gone. I just can't do it any more, I'm just not as strong as you. I lied about Emily it was the hardest thing ever to do. Its why I had to avoid you out of everyone lying to you was the hardest. Please look after Henry, be his Fairy Godmother spoil him like only you can. I love you Penelope you were my best friend, the best friend I could ever have. Don't ever lose you spark. Don't blame yourself and keep doing what you do you are the only thing that cheers us up after a long day._

_I'll miss you_

_JJ_

Garcia was sobbing by the end of the letter. She was angry to both at JJ and at herself. JJ for trying this JJ and at herself for letting JJ to get to this place. She knew more than anyone how hard it was to face evil alone without the support of the team, she did it weekly. As for Henry she couldn't remember the last time she had seen him some fairy Godmother she was! She felt strong arms around her she knew instinctively it was Derek Morgan. She folded into his arms, he held her up. While she cried unashamedly crying his own tears as well.

Derek hugged her glad JJ hadn't blamed his baby girl. Especially since it was his fault. Emily had been his partner he had allowed her to get captured by Doyle, he had failed in tracking him down and JJ had paid the price.

Will as if sensing his thought passed him his letter. Morgan took it glaring at it debating if he was strong enough to read the hatred on the page. As if sensing his indecision Garcia looked up, her make up smudge her eyes red and puffy.

"You have to know" she whispered, Morgan nodded she was right. Garcia moved away a little to give me privacy.

_Derek_

_I'm sorry I never told you about Emily. I watched you tear yourself apart for months but said nothing. We were being watched and I had to protect the team and Emily, I know you could have helped keep the secret, but I couldn't burden anyone else. I always thought of you as an older brother, I loved you like an older brother someone to look up to. You were always there when I needed you and now I need you to look after Will for me. Henry will have Spencer and Garcia but Will needs someone to watch his back._

_I'll miss you_

_JJ _

Morgan got up rather abruptly leaving the waiting room he walked down the corridor not sure of where he was going only that his anger and feelings of helplessness were about to explode. The staircase provided the outlet he needed as he screamed for all he was worth then ran up the 14 flights of stairs and down again then repeated until he could physically not run anymore. Exhausted he sat and cried feeling defeated, then he heard the door to the stairs open. He wiped away his tears until he saw Reid. He was holding his letter.

"We got worried" Reid explained sitting next to Morgan.

"Sorry I just had to let it out" Morgan explained knowing the genius would know what he meant. Reid did,

"What did your letter say?" Reid asked having been curious about everyone's letter from the start.

"Its personal" Morgan replied, Reid looked disgruntled. "Read your own you'll understand" He suggested patting Reid on the knee. He left knowing Reid would need time alone.

Sitting in the stairwell Reid fingered the letter. Was he ready to read the letter find out why JJ had tried to leave.

He opened it not sure anything written down would change how he felt.

_Spence_

_I know you will feel so betrayed by me and my actions. I lied to you about Emily every night and every night I hated myself for it. I wasn't mocking you. We grieved together, you for Emily and me for the death of my baby. Karma is a bitch. I feel so guilty I lied to everyone I even lied to myself. I can't see a future anymore, even the thought of getting out of bed tomorrow scares me to death. Henry use to be enough and Will but I managed to push them away. I pushed everyone away. I'm sorry I am leaving you but please don't leave Henry. He will need his uncle Spencer more than ever. I just wish I was as brave as you. I wish I could have asked for help. I know you would have been there for me you always were my little brother._

_I'm really sorry I can't be there you you like family should be._

_I'll miss you_

_JJ_

Spencer felt the tears well up. His sister was lying in a hospital bed somewhere. She was right he did consider her family, they'd spent Christmas together, he was Godfather to her child, he felt he could tell her anything. Its why he had felt so betrayed by her. Sister, it was a good word.

Still she hadn't told him anything that had been going on, but then with a stab of guilt she shouldn't have had to. He'd seen her change become quieter, as they were all as pulling away always on cases.

Noting the time Spencer walked back to the waiting room, if the Doctor didn't come out in the next 20 minutes the chances of survival dropped considerably.

Entering the room he noticed everyone looking at him hopefully. He shook his head telling them silently he hadn't seen the Doctor outside. He sat deliberately next to Henry and Will and joined in the wait.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The doctor came out of the Resus room a young nurse following her. Suicide always seemed like such a waste, at least this one had people waiting for her to wake up, always a nice surprise. The saddest ones when the body sat unclaimed in the morgue almost proving the point that nobody did care that maybe they did have nothing to live for. She opened the door to the relatives room mentally preparing herself for the onslaught.

"How is she?" a brown haired man with a Southern accent asked grasping a young child. This is the bit the Doctor hated.

"Alive, but in a very serious condition, Jennifer has taken what would be a lethal overdose of sleeping tablets with a large quantity of alcohol. Now while normally this would be fatal quickly I suspect the alcohol caused her to vomit a large amount of undigested pills out. We then believe from the bruises and vomit she lay on her side. If she had lay on her back she would have suffocated. As it was we think she got off remarkably unscathed. She is currently self ventilating. We are giving her fluids intravenously to help flush the toxins out of her system. At the moment she hasn't fully woken up but is slightly more responsive to pain. We've given a reversal drug as well. Her kidneys and liver show mild injury but we believe in time they should heal. For now we are carefully monitoring her blood levels. She will be moving to HDU shortly so I can only allow 2 visitors." The doctor paused, allowing questions. They remained silent, Will handed Henry to Garcia,

"I'm going in" he decided following the Doctor. Hotch followed wordlessly, having seen his agent dying and needed to see her breathing for himself.

They entered the Resus room. JJ lay there like an angel. Her hair fanning out over the pillow, an oxygen mask lay over her face. Wires lead out from under a gown to a monitor. Several intravenous tubes spun out to multiple bags and monitors. Will began crying as Hotch stood stoically behind him. The nurse freed up her hand

"Here you go" she said as Will took it.

"Oh JJ Chere what have you done" Will exclaimed. JJ predictably didn't answer. Hotch stood there offering silent support as Will babbled on reminding JJ what she had to fight for.

Hotch waited a while before leaving to update the team. Rossi entered next not staying long, the team rotated in taking turns. Each coming in taking a hand and speaking with JJ in the hopes somehow she could hear them.

"Excuse me" the nurse interrupted having puttered around them for the last hour "HDU is ready we need to move her can I get you to wait outside" she asked. Will and Emily nodded.

They left returning to the relatives room.

"They're taking her to HDU" Emily explained as Will collected a sleeping Henry.

"I need to get him home" he said regretfully. Wanting to stay with his wife but needing to do what was best for his son.

"I can take him" Hotch offered. "It will be like a sleepover with Jack" Will smiled thankful they had such good friends.

"And we'll take shifts sitting with her" Morgan offered. Will shook his head,

"Visiting is 2pm until 8pm." Will offered they won't let us visit in between those times, there pretty strict.

"Ok we will be here" Morgan promised. Will checked the clock 1600. Once she was moved he could still get some quality visiting in.

As a team a visiting schedule was quickly set up. Garcia, Emily and Morgan offered to return to the flat JJ had rented and pack her belongs, move her back in with Will and bring some things into the hospital. There was no way anyone was letting her go back to her prison of isolation. Reid offered to help Hotch with Henry not that Hotch really needed help but he accepted nonetheless understanding the young genius needed to feel helpful and close to family. Rossi stayed with Will offering support where he could not only emotional but ensuring JJ got a got psychologist and that her job was safe when she was recovered.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

She was breathing, JJ realised as the reality hit her that she had failed. She had it planned so perfectly how had it failed. Someone was gripping her hand. She pulled it away she didn't want contact, she didn't want to face them.

"Come on Chere" Will called knowing she was awake. "Please JJ open those baby blues" he begged. JJ unable to deny that request opened her eyes.

"Why didn't it work" She rasped her voice traumatised by the alcohol and the vomiting.

"Jay" Will whispered almost crying,

"I just got so tired" JJ cried tears running down her face. "Everyone hated me"

"I didn't" he replied refusing to let her pull away,

"But you should" JJ was sobbing now, "I killed our baby"

"No" Will protested, "No"

"But she died because I couldn't keep her safe" JJ cried. Will held her tightly.

"Our baby died because there is evil in this world. I know we fight it everyday" Will argued, JJ looked away clearly not believing him. Will sighed, Rome was built in a day, JJ's depression wouldn't just disappear.

"Just remember I love you so much" Will begged. He stayed until she fell asleep and the nurses turfed him out.

JJ woke a few times overnight with nurses checking on her. As daylight dawned she began dreading the day ahead. She would have to face what she did, what she failed to do. She wondered if her team would come, if they got her note or even cared that she hadn't shown up for work.

Breakfast came JJ left it untouched, she wasn't hungry she hadn't been hungry in some time.

A knock at the door startled her.

"Hello Jennifer Jareua" a middle aged women entered the room. JJ stared at the wall as she had done for everyone coming into the room. Eventually they finished whatever they needed to do and left her to it.

This woman didn't sitting down on the chair next to her bed, she got out a notebook and a pen placing it in front of JJ.

"My name is Sarah. With your permission I'll be you psychologist"

"If I say no" JJ asked

"I will leave and another psychologist will come, the hospital won't release you until one of us tells them your not a danger to yourself or to others, but you already knew that" Sarah guessed

"You can stay" JJ remarked "I don't care"

"Do you still want to kill yourself" she asked. JJ shrugged which they both knew was a yes. "I read the notes, you've had an awful year, this is a diary, I''ll be back just after lunch. I want you to write down 5 of the reasons you tried to kill yourself" Sarah asked. JJ nodded she could do that easily.

"Great I will see you later" Sarah left giving JJ space and giving herself space to think of a strategy to try get JJ back from the brink.

JJ sat there the pen in her hands. Only 5 things she had done wrong, it was hard to know where to start.

_I killed my baby I failed to protect her. _

_I killed Nadia, her daughter and a whole seal team_

_I didn't realise my partner was a spy_

_I lied to Will, Henry and my team_

_I don't deserve them_

It was a list each one was an admission of guilt each one a story as to how she had gotten to where she was.

Sarah returned a few hours later.

"Hey Jennifer" she greeted

"It's JJ"

"Hey JJ" Sarah repeated.

"I did the list," JJ showed her the list hoping it would get her off her back. Sarah took it reading it over.

"Great" Sarah said sitting down, "Since I'm playing catch up can you explain how each of these are your fault"

JJ took a deep breath, and began explained the scenario

"It all started just over a year ago..."

It seemed like hours with JJ just talking. It felt good to have someone listening, not interrupting, not passing judgement.

"And I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't breath and I knew everyone would be better off without me ruining their lives but I couldn't even do that right" JJ finished brokenly, Sarah grasped her hand squeezing it tightly.

"Do one thing for me, repeat after me one hour at a time," she instructed "or if that gets to hard, one minute at a time. Then think how well you've done for making it that extra time. If that gets easier you can increase it"

JJ nodded. She could do that.

"Ok and I'd like you to write 5 reasons to keep living" Sarah suggested "I'll be back tomorrow after breakfast"

As soon as she left Will came in

"JJ"

"I'm sorry" JJ apologised

"Nothing to be sorry for Chere"

"But you should be angry. I lied to you the most" JJ replied

"I know but I understand why, but I love you JJ. You have issues, I have some too but together we'll get through this" Will promised. "For one I won't let you grieve alone" JJ began crying

"She felt like a girl," she began, "I know it was too early to tell but I just knew."

"Annabel" Will remembers what they had promised to call their little girl when picking baby names for Henry.

"I was thinking Emily and Morgan for Godparents" JJ explained. Will joined her crying.

"Perfect"

"We didn't even get a body to bury." JJ sobbed into Will's arms. "She is over there in the crappy dessert with those horrible people"

"No," Will corrected "She is with Rosaline watching down hoping her momma gets better"

"I'm gonna try Will" JJ promised "I just don't know how"

"Let us help" Will begged. JJ nodded "The team is outside can they come in?" JJ shrugged fearfully,

"They don't hate you" Will swore

"They should"

"How about we do it one at a time." Will suggested, "Who shall I call in first?"

"Emily" JJ said easily. She was the least likely to be mad. Will went to the door calling Emily in

"Why?" Emily asked genuinely curious as to what JJ was apologising for.

"I wasn't strong enough" JJ whispered.

"JJ you're the strongest person I know" Emily admitted honestly, "Sometimes you need to let people help you before you break" Emily offered knowing blaming JJ would get them nowhere.

"I tried but everyone hated me" JJ protested aware she sounded childish

"I didn't" Will interjected,

"Me neither, I was grateful. You gave up so much so I had a chance at life" Emily reminded "You kept the team safe when Doyle was watching"

"Anyone would have done the same" JJ shrugged it off modestly

"I think it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me" Emily admitted. JJ smiled back at her. "I also kinda know what your going through with the baby." Emily began "I was 15, and in Italy when I lost mine, I had an abortion, I killed her because if I didn't I knew her life would be hell. I know its not exactly the same but..." Emily trailed off unable to speak about it anymore, JJ grasped her hand. They had both killed their babies. Not the same scenario but the feelings of guilt and self hatred permeated through.

"How did you survive?"

"I drank a lot, went Goth, hit out a lot at people who loved me. Michael was a friend, not the father. He was there, whenever I needed her. It was hard, even now I still think of her, but she is up there watching me" Emily confided. "So I'm going to do what Michael did for me, when you get released I will call you daily, I will visit at least once a day, I will be there whenever you need me." Emily promised.

"Thank you" JJ replied hugging Emily tightly.

"We brought some of your things. I'll go and grab them." Emily offered

"Could you bring Pen in please" JJ asked

"Of course" Emily offered

"Jay, I'm going to check on Henry leave you to have girly time" Will offered knowing there would be things she could confess to them she wouldn't want to tell him. Plus with only 2 visitors to a room it wasn't possible for him to stay.

He left and Garcia replaced him running in and hugging JJ tightly.

"Don't you ever do that again" Garcia ordered not releasing JJ from her hug. JJ said nothing not wanting to promise something she couldn't. "I get it I really do" Garcia continued, "When my parents died I was in a dark place. So cold and all alone, I had a knife and I just kept looking at it. Then one day I found my cyber minions and I didn't look at it anymore. How about this, if you ever feel that low, even if we aren't talking you'll text me or call me" Garcia begged. JJ nodded it wasn't a lot but she could promise that much.

"Great, hey did I tell you guys about Strauss and Rossi" Emily gossiped breaking the tension aware sometimes you needed light hearted relief rather than just focusing on the darkness. They sat around talking for 30 minutes which somehow ended up with Garcia showing them cute cat videos on you tube before the door knocked.

"I bet that's the boys," Garcia commented knowing both Morgan and Reid were planned to visit next on the schedule. She squeezed JJ's hand supportingly

"We'll have a girls night when you get out" she promised before smiling evilly "We have to find out about all those European boys Emily spent her year with" Emily groaned as Garcia dragged her out. Despite her depression JJ giggled slightly. Seeing sunshine for just a moment.

Morgan and Reid entered the room. JJ faked a smile while inside pretending to be fine. Reid came over surprising JJ deeply by hugging her tightly Morgan joining in.

"I'm sorry" JJ apologised as they let her go.

"We need to apologies to" Morgan explained sitting down. "I was angry that you'd lied about Emily but in reality I would do the same in a heartbeat. I think I was more angry that I didn't suspect anything, that Doyle could follow me without me knowing, that you went to Afghanistan and I suspected nothing" Morgan ranted he saw JJ wincing and looking confused so he summarised "Thank you for keeping my family safe, and if you ever do anything this stupid again I will whoop you ass" Morgan warned. JJ nodded,

"I tried" she whispered

"I know, but you got to know when to call for help. You don't always have to be the glue" Morgan instructed. JJ nodded absorbing the words. Morgan went to stand by the window just watching the world as Reid took his place. He sat next to her silently trying to work out the words he wanted to say for a genius words and friendship had never come easily to him.

"Spence, I'm really sorry, I wanted to tell you even if you still hate me" JJ told him, Spencer shook his head.

"I don't hate you" he told her positive of that. "I just don't know who you are anymore" he told her honesty. "You lie, you hide things, you deceived me JJ. That hurts." Reid began

"Reid!" Morgan yelled angry at the genius and the lack of support

"Its fine he is right" JJ agreed "I just didn't know how else to keep you safe."

"Next time JJ trust us" Reid pleaded

"I can't, if it was a choice between lying or watching you die I'd lie every time" JJ responded amendment. She knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear, the hurt and anger in his face indicated that but she had promised herself no more lies.

Reid stayed for just a moment letting the words sink in before storming out.

"Reid!" Morgan yelled again. "I'll talk to him" he promised following him out leaving JJ in the hospital room alone for moments before Rossi and Hotch came in. JJ blushed automatically embarrassed about seeing her bosses in her hospital room while she was wearing a paper thin gown.

"Don't ever scare us like that again Bella" Rossi greeted placing a plastic box full of home made pasta on the table.

"I'm sorry" JJ apologised mainly looking at Hotch. He was crying which was strange and made JJ feel worse

"No, I'm sorry" Hotch replied "I knew Emily was alive, I saw you struggle and I didn't help"

"You couldn't have" JJ protested taking his hand. "I didn't want you to know. I thought I could cope but then I lost my baby and the grief" she trailed off aware that both men would understand.

"Then even when Emily came back you were still alone, it became to much" Rossi continued. JJ nodded.

"It was like a dementor following me around sucking the happiness from everything." she explained knowing Hotch would understand as Jack was currently midway through Harry Potter and Rossi got it thanks to watching movies with Morgan on the plane. "I felt so tired all the time, even getting out of bed was exhausting" JJ sighed even re counting it was exhausting. Hotch grabbed her hand.

"We are here JJ" he promised.

They sat for a while chatting before Hotch left to see Jack and Rossi excused himself. Will replaced them with a home made get well card from Henry. Despite the darkness surrounding her JJ began to smile. _One hour at a time_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Sarah returned as promised the next morning. JJ had written her list

_To watch Henry grow up_

_To be there for Will through the good and the bad_

_Girls night out with Emily and Garcia _

_Morgan is going train me to kick ass_

_Rossi is going to teach me to cook his secret sauce_

Sarah read the list, it was a good start.

"How did your family visiting go?" she questioned,

"Spence hates me" JJ moaned, Sarah nodded allowing JJ to speak. "I lied to him for a long time I had to but he doesn't get it. He has been hurt by a lot of people his dad left him, his mum is schizophrenic and didn't even know he existed growing up. Even the man who mentored him left him alone. He came to me for support, to grieve and like everyone else in his life I let him down" JJ was crying now. "I don't want to talk anymore" she decided effectively chucking Sarah out.

"Remember JJ one hour at a time" Sarah replied before leaving. If a client didn't want to talk she couldn't make her. That didn't mean she couldn't come back a few hours later.

She waited until before lunch before revisiting.

"Hey" she greeted.

"Hey, I'm sorry for yelling" JJ apologised.

"It's ok" Sarah graciously accepted. "So how you feeling" JJ remained silent really considering the question.

"Better, I think. I feel less numb, it hurts but I think its better than numb" JJ tried to explain, "I just have to live with the guilt that I lied and that I tried to end it. I tried to leave my little boy all alone" Suddenly JJ burst into tears realising the magnitude of what she had tried to do. It was a good sign, to regret it. Sarah knew it was a positive step. She waited offering comfort where she could.

It was visiting time when the next visitor came in.

"Spence" JJ greeted nervously

"JJ, how you feeling?" Spencer asked standing by the door.

"Better" JJ replied just as nervous.

"I spoke to Morgan, he told me about the men following everyone, it still hurts" Spencer said trying to be honest.

"I know, I hurt a lot of people and I can't take that hurt back and if I was in the same situation I would do the same thing all over again because I lied Emily lived and that is something I won't apologise for." JJ said firmly.

"I understand, Morgan and I went through it, I get that you had to lie, I understand why but it still hurts,"

"I betrayed you"

"I forgive you" Spence said, smiling at JJ who smiled back glad to have one of her closest friendships back. "I brought a book to read its one of my favourites" Spencer offered getting out a worn leather bound book

"Either we live by accident and die by accident, or we live by plan and die by plan." he began. JJ settled down on the bed listening to the soothing tones on his voice.

It was 2 days later when she was released with the crisis team visiting her at home once a day for the first week then gradually trailing down. The team also visited daily until they got pulled on a case but made sure they rang.

Her first case back was worked at the BAU with Garcia only a month after her attempt. Her second case there was a mix up with hotel room and she had to share with Emily. She suspected the mix up wasn't an accident but said nothing. By her third case she was paired with Reid for the first time and only had 2 meetings with Hotch throughout the case. Everyone was still watching her but out of concern rather than hatred. Her 5th case back she finally got to use the skills Morgan had taught her unleashing her kung-fu skills on an unsuspecting unsub.

It was 3 months later she realised she could no longer feel the dementor following her around. He was still there occasionally but no longer felt like he was drowning her. She felt happy and didn't feel guilty for doing so.

The end thanks for those who have been reading along and left a review, bonus points for those who can identify the book


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